In the hospitality industry, where service is personal and relationships run deep, communication is everything. Words don’t just deliver messages—they shape tone, convey respect (or lack thereof), and either build or erode trust. Both what you say *and* how you say it leave lasting impressions. Your language speaks just as loudly as your leadership decisions. When leaders sound condescending, dismissive, or accusatory—intentionally or not—they chip away at the very culture they are tasked with protecting. They replace trust with fear, openness with defensiveness, and collaboration with silence.

Even subtle phrases—often said out of habit—can demoralize a team, create a culture of fear or defensiveness, and make individuals feel undervalued. A leader’s tone and word choice carry extra weight. The best leaders recognize that it’s not just what you say—it’s how you say it. And sometimes, even well-intentioned managers and department heads forget that.

Let’s look at a few common communication missteps that do more harm than good—and what they reveal about leadership:

1. “Aren’t you aware that…” or “You DO know that…”

This kind of phrasing doesn’t invite dialogue, it delivers blame with a smile. It’s passive- aggressive, often laced with sarcasm, and sends a clear message: you messed up, even when you didn’t.

EXAMPLE:
During a busy dinner service, the Dining Room Manager is approached by a longtime member who quietly explains that she recently had foot surgery and asks if she can be seated in the formal dining room wearing supportive sneakers. The manager, knowing the member and the situation, discreetly agrees. The evening went smoothly, and the member was grateful for the consideration.

The next day, the General Manager receives a pointed email from another member, stating:

“Not sure who’s managing the floor these days, but someone was wearing sneakers in the formal dining room last night. Thought we had standards.”

Later that morning, without asking for background or clarification, the GM says to the Dining Room Manager:

“You do know that sneakers aren’t permitted in the formal dining room… right?”

No context. No curiosity. Just a tone that suggests the manager exercised poor judgment and needs to be reminded of the rules.

THE EFFECT:
The Dining Room Manager, who made a thoughtful, member-sensitive call, is left feeling second-guessed and subtly scolded. Instead of being treated like a professional with discretion, they’re made to feel like someone who broke policy. The takeaway? Even when you do the right thing, you might still get thrown under the bus if someone complains.

A BETTER APPROACH:
“A member wrote in about someone wearing sneakers last night. I figured there might’ve been a reason—can you fill me in?”

2. “I find that hard to believe…”

Dismissiveness is another culture killer, especially when it comes from someone not as close to day-to-day operations as the team members they supervise.

EXAMPLE:
A department head brings concerns to the General Manager about a staff member who has been avoiding responsibilities and is rumored to be stealing from the bar. Other team members have quietly raised similar concerns. The GM responds, “I find that hard to believe—he’s always seemed trustworthy, and he came highly recommended by Don at XYZ Club, whom I respect.”

THE EFFECT:
The department head leaves discouraged. They took a risk to speak up and were quickly dismissed. The message? Relationships matter more than facts. Worse, they’ll likely hesitate to raise concerns in the future.

A BETTER RESPONSE:
“That’s surprising—I’ve had a positive impression, but I appreciate you bringing it to me. Tell me more about what you’ve observed, and I’ll make sure it’s looked into.”

3. “You’ve upset Mrs. Smith; she no longer wants to work with you.”

In the private club environment, “the member is always right” may be the standard, but that doesn’t mean staff should be left feeling unsupported or devalued. When a member raises a concern, especially a high-profile or demanding one, leaders must walk a fine line: protecting the member experience while still upholding the employee’s dignity.

EXAMPLE:
An Assistant Golf Professional is called into the office. The Director of Golf opens with, “You’ve upset Mrs. Smith; she no longer wants to work with you.” No context. No questions. No opportunity for the Assistant Pro to speak. Just a vague, emotionally loaded statement that immediately puts him on the defensive. What the Director doesn’t say—but likely knows—is that Mrs. Smith is known for being particular, reactive, and difficult to please. This isn’t the first time she’s made a request like this. But instead of creating space for a professional, fact-based discussion, the leader’s wording suggests a verdict has already been reached.

THE EFFECT:
The Assistant Pro walks away feeling blindsided, demoralized, and unsure where he stands. Even if the intention was to be discreet and politically correct, the delivery sends a message: when it comes to conflict, the employee will always lose.

A BETTER APPROACH:
“Mrs. Smith has asked to work with someone else, and while we’ll honor that, I’d like to understand what happened from your side. I know how challenging these situations can be, and I want to make sure you feel supported.”

WRAPPING IT UP
In our industry, where relationships, service, and pride in one’s work all intertwine, language isn’t just a tool. It’s a reflection of your leadership. Good leaders truly know and respect their teams. They build trust, allow space for vulnerability, and create an environment where people feel safe offering ideas, admitting mistakes, and asking for help. They don’t let policy override people, and they don’t let member expectations come at the cost of staff dignity. Bullyish leaders, on the other hand, create fear. They shut down dialogue, lead with blame, and send the message that their judgment is always superior—that others couldn’t possibly have something valuable to contribute. Want to know which kind of leader someone is? Don’t look at their title. Listen to how they speak to others. If you watch your language, you won’t just avoid demoralizing your team—you’ll actively build the kind of workplace culture where people want to show up, give their best, and stay.

Michelle A. Riklan, ACRW, CPRW, CEIC, CJSS, is a Certified DiSC Trainer Career Strategist, Search and Consulting Executive with KOPPLIN KUEBLER & WALLACE, a consulting firm providing executive search, strategic planning and data analysis services to the private club and hospitality industries. Michelle can be reached at (908) 415-4825 and at Michelle@kkandw.com.